I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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