mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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