A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's get the cat blown out
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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