I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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