I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
