question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
