Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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