this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
