I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
