I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
