I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she looked like the before picture.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
