dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
