You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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