I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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