I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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