When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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