I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
