I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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