I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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