I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
