He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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