Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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