Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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