im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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