Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
