The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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