I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just want nice things and good sex
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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