He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
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Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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