he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize