so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
