In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
