I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
