Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
