If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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