I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
