apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
