first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
