can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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