Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
