Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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