apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
