You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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