so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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