worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.