Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?