but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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