I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
