I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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