Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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