mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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