It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
