I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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