take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
