i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
