believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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