did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
