Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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